“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[Fouremco]

51 minutes ago, CILCIANRQTS said:

 

Cogito ergo sum!

Or the original: "Je pense, donc je suis." 

[ISABELLA]

For those of you that have lost track of the days of the week  -it is Blursday the secondythird of Maprilay

[Denny01]

I told my daughers I ran (well, walked, I don’t ‘run’ anywhere now!) around the block while my wife was in Physical Therapy for ‘3mi’...one daughter asked me: Miles or Minutes.....they know me. So I sent them this:

 

 

[NMTraveller]

[Denny01]

I wandered into another thread that I should have just stayed out of, but then my sister sent me this and I just loved it! I Loved the movie “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”, mainly because I grew up outside LA and it was just great seeing all the ‘60’s sites in the movie. 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 11, 2020 by Denny01

[bobndee]

Just remember - in this time of pandemic and panic, if you can keep your composure while all those around are panicking, you clearly don't understand the situation!  😲

 

[Paulpgr]

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop.   She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.   The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.   She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.   "Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".   The first day was fine, but on the second day a big scruffy guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.   The girl panicked.   She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.   "Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.   She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.   "Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"   The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!"

 

 

[Paulpgr]

Cheap Flights
 

Brian was in the pub having a beer with his mates and he said:

"My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night,

so I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights."

"I love you, Brian" she said, and then she got all excited,

quickly undressed and we had great sex ......

which is very odd, because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

[NMTraveller]

[Von & John]

oops...

Link not working

Edited April 12, 2020 by Von & John

[Paulpgr]

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.  A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.   You think English is easy?  I think a retired English teacher was bored... THIS IS  GREAT!   Read all the way to the end ..... it took a lot of work to put this together!   1)  The bandage was wound around the wound.   2)  The farm was used to produce produce.   3)  The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.   4)  We must polish the Polish furniture..   5)  He could lead if he would get the lead out.   6)  The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.   7)  Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.   😎 A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.   9)  When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.   10)  I did not object to the object.   11)  The insurance was invalid for the invalid.   12)  There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.   13)  They were too close to the door to close it.   14)  The buck does funny things when the does are present.   15)  A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.   16)  To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.   17)  The wind was too strong to wind the sail.   18)  Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.   19)  I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.   20)  How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?   Let's face it - English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are animal organs.  We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.   And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?   If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?  How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.   English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.   PS - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?   You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Paulpgr]

 WHEN I  SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

 

A little old lad answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.  'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

 

'Go away!' said  the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''

 

And she proceeded to close the door.  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''  

 

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

 

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."       

 

 

 

[RickT]

[Paulpgr]

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD   1)    You can't count your hair. 2)    You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3)    You can't breathe when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.   Ten (10) Things I know about you. 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No 5. 😎 You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too. 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

[NMTraveller]

The new at home workout 🙂

 

 

[Denny01]

[goofysmom99]

[Prost Seattle]

[Paulpgr]

Answering Machine                This is the actual answering-machine message for the Maroochydore High School in Queensland, Australia. Wait for the phone to ring for the voice mail.   Right click on link below to open in new tab or window.   https://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0

[Paulpgr]

Satnav/GPS – A poem by Pam Ayres.

 

I have a little Satnav,
It sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend,
it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones,
My Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions,
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says,
"You're doing sixty-five".

It tells me when to stop and start,
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever,
Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red,
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively,
Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front,
And all those to the rear.
And taking this into account,
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver,
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car,
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling,
Each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it,
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages,
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then,
I could turn the bugger off.

[bobndee]

I am returning 2020 for a refund -

 

It isn't what I ordered!

 

[Paulpgr]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom .....'

[Paulpgr]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!'

[C-Dragons]

 

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

 

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

 

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

Some things you just can't explain."

Edited April 13, 2020 by C-Dragons

[C-Dragons]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

 

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

 

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

 

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." 

Edited April 13, 2020 by C-Dragons