“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[travelnap]

Now that is a great Show and Tell.

[Paulpgr]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

 

He then addressed the men.

“Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently and whispered, "Pillburys All Pupose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

 

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[RickT]

[goofysmom99]

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[Paulpgr]

Life truths - irony division
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

 

 

Nine important facts to remember as we grow older:

 

1.     Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

2.     Life is sexually transmitted.

3.     Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4.     Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes,          make him a sandwich.

5.     Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.

6.     Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

7.     All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8.     In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take ***** to make it normal.

9.     Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

 

[RickT]

[goofysmom99]

[WrittenOnYourHeart]

5 hours ago, CILCIANRQTS said:

 

 

And the 13% who do are OrangeTheory Fitness members!!!

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[Paulpgr]

Daddy,

I am coming home  from Australia, to get married soon, so get out your  cheque book. LOL 

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me, he lives in Scotland. 

We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, 
had long chats on Whatsapp, 

he  proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two 
months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, 
good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks,

 Your favorite daughter,

 

Lilly

 

Dad’s reply ....

 

 

My Dear Lilly,

 

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

 

Whatever.....,

 

I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. 

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

 

 

[Paulpgr]

Daddy,

I am coming home  from Australia, to get married soon, so get out your  cheque book. LOL 

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me, he lives in Scotland. 

We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, 
had long chats on Whatsapp, 

he  proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two 
months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, 
good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks,

 Your favorite daughter,

 

Lilly

 

Dad’s reply ....

 

 

My Dear Lilly,

 

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

 

Whatever.....,

 

I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. 

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

 

 

[luv2sail7]

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[Paulpgr]

Old Man And The Beaver  An  86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the  86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'  I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.  "So what do you think about that Doc?"  The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story.  "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter  and never misses a season."       One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking  cane instead of his gun."  "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver  sitting at the water's edge..  He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't  shoot the magnificent creature.  Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if  it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.  "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.  The 86-year-old said,  "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else  pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."  The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[C-Dragons]

 

[C-Dragons]

[C-Dragons]

[C-Dragons]

[Paulpgr]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

 

‘Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

 

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

 

[NMTraveller]

[NMTraveller]

[edunava]

Good morning from Barcelona.

 

Some Spanish humor:

 

- Good morning, do you have crocodile shoes ???
- No, sorry we don't have.
- OK thanks. Let's go crocodile, they don't have shoes for you

[edunava]

- Doctor, you think I will lose my eye.
- Well, I don't think so. I put it in his pocket.