“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[Paulpgr]

A Burglar was seen by his next door neighbour kicking is own front door down.

 

When asked what are you doing that for?

 

He replied "I am working from home today"

[Paulpgr]

 

WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

 

          Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!

•        A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.

•        I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

•        Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

•        England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

•        I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

•        They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

•        I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

•        Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

•        I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

[lovemycruisetoo]

[Fouremco]

[C-Dragons]

[Denny01]

I know some of these are repeats, but i thought all together they were pretty good:

 

My quarantine diary

   Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

   Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

   Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds; some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??

   Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

   Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!

   Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

   Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

   Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients & make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.

   Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.

   Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.

   Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

  Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

    Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.

   Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

 

Den

[WrittenOnYourHeart]

15 minutes ago, Denny01 said:

Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

 

Apparently - at least per an article a friend posted on the social media site that rhymes with PaceShook - people in Australia are getting decked out in "fancy dress" to take the garbage out! (Yes, the first time I heard that term - on a British podcast about running - I was very confused as to why people would be running in formal gowns and tuxes. Then I saw a picture and figured out that "fancy dress" means something very different to the Brits. And apparently Aussies.)

[lovemycruisetoo]

[bob278]

[goofysmom99]

Public Service Announcement:

 

Every few days try on your jeans.  Pajamas and yoga pants will have you believing all is well.  😱

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[RickT]

[Prost Seattle]

[Paulpgr]

[Paulpgr]

> Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation:
>
> You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed
>
> On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
>
> On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
>
> Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to
> overtake it.
>
> Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
>
> What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
>
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> <Scroll down>
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> Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you silly old sod!

 

[C-Dragons]

[C-Dragons]

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[NMTraveller]

[Paulpgr]

 

WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP No 2

  I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

•        This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

•        When chemists die, they barium.

•        I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

•        I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

•        Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

•        I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

•        Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control  her pupils?

•        When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

•        Broken pencils are pointless.

•        What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

[Paulpgr]

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my ageing friend.    He was busy covering his private parts with black shoe polish.    I said to him,  "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

[Paulpgr]

[bob278]

Our new home.

 

[bobndee]

OK, here's one for us pseudo-intellectuals:

 

René Descartes was sitting in a bistro, drinking wine.  The waiter came over and asked "Would you like  more wine?"  Descartes replied "I think not."

 

POOF! Descartes disappeared!

 

[CILCIANRQTS]

3 hours ago, bobndee said:

OK, here's one for us pseudo-intellectuals:

 

René Descartes was sitting in a bistro, drinking wine.  The waiter came over and asked "Would you like  more wine?"  Descartes replied "I think not."

 

POOF! Descartes disappeared!

 

 

Cogito ergo sum!