“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[Paulpgr]

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course.

A naked man wearing a paper bag over his  head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies notice the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

The third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this club!'

 

[bob278]

[C-Dragons]

[Paulpgr]

So I asked my wife what she would like for her birthday

 

She replied, I would like a tablet - So I thought that's reasonable.

 

So I bought her a full packet.

[Paulpgr]

Just watched a documentary on History channel about belching.

 

Turned out to be a repeat.

[centurycruiser]

My wife and I decided we didn’t want children anymore. So, anyone who wants one leave your phone number.

 

I told my wife that I wanted to see the kids one weekend a month. She reminded me we are married and live together so I have to see them everyday.

 

I saw a sign that says “Watch for children.” I thought “that sounds like a fair trade.”

 

Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children is enough.

 

Children in the back seat of cars cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat of cars cause children.

[Denny01]

A man and a woman collide in a car accident. Both cars are destroyed, but neither is injured. They manage to get out of their destroyed cars and the older gentleman says, “you were on the wrong side of the road!”. The young woman says to the man: “Look at our cars, they are completely destroyed and yet we are unharmed. This is a sign: fate has asked for us to meet and to become one and to live together in peace  for the rest of our days”.

 

And he says: “I agree. It must be a sign from heaven.”

 

The woman continues, “ And look at this other miracle… my car is completely destroyed, but the bottle of champagne I had in the backseat did not break. Fate wanted us to make a toast to celebrate our happy meeting. “

 

The woman hands him the bottle. He opens it, and drinks almost half of it. Then he hands it to her….but the woman corks the bottle without drinking a drop.

 

The man asks her, “You do not drink?”

 

And she answers, “No I drink, but I‘m waiting for the police to arrive"

 

 

Den

[Prost Seattle]

[ISABELLA]

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[PTC DAWG]

On 3/21/2020 at 7:49 PM, Prost Seattle said:

Too soon?

Funny, but I’m not scared...

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[Paulpgr]

BEING ASSERTIVE
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be THE Man
of Your House".
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on I'm
running this show, and my word'll be law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm done eating it, you'll serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner you're going upstairs with me, and we'll have any kind of sex
that I choose ! Afterwards, you're going to run me a relaxing bath. You'll
wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my
feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?"
The wife replied "The undertaker would be my first guess!"
 

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[Paulpgr]

Got to love the good old British humour!     https://youtu.be/jLI6VA40oUs

[Texed]

Finally, a reason to do Honey-Dos.  😎

[RickT]

[Paulpgr]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

 

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

 

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

 

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

 

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

 

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

 

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

 

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

 

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[Paulpgr]

Letter to The Disney Channel

I AM WRITING to complain in the strongest terms about the wilful lack of concern for child and animal welfare that is displayed in the nursery rhyme 'Sing A Song Of Sixpence'. Its author clearly has a twisted mind. Not only are blackbirds brutally tortured by being cooked alive inside a pie but, upon escaping, one of them returns to inflict a dreadful revenge on a poor maid, who is doing little more than completing her domestic chores by hanging clothes out to dry in the garden. Her nose is literally bitten right off by the bird, leaving the poor victim with a dreadful facial disfigurement that will no doubt require years and years of corrective surgery to put right.

It is precisely this sort of gritty and traumatic drama that would not be permitted to grace television screens until after the 9 o'clock watershed; and yet these so-called nursery rhyme writers persistently serve up a diet of savage and graphic content to the under-5s at ANY time of the day, including first thing in the morning - and even while I am eating bread and honey in the parlour.
 

I would certainly like to see these evil pedlers of violence locked up for good and the key thrown away.

Yours faithfully,
Mary Mary, quite contrary

[CILCIANRQTS]

Mary, Mary, quite contrary -

How DOES your garden grow??

[Paulpgr]

A man is sitting reading the paper when his wife hits him across the head. He says, "what's that for". She says, "I've found a piece of paper in your pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' on it". Quick as a flash he replies, "that was the name of a horse from the races last week!" - which she accepts.
 

A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan! He says, "what the hell was that for?" She replies, "Your horse phoned"

 

 

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[goofysmom99]

[bob278]

I got a huge laugh out of this.  I worked on mainframe computers (that's all there were then, the PC was still a lab experiment whan I started out in 1965) and most people believed that computers were infallible.  If it was on greenbar paper (anyone else remember that?), it was accepted. 

 

There was a frequently-used term,  "Garbage in garbage out" that many of us changed to "Garbage in gospel out".  I also believed that a computer was nothing more than a fast idiot as your picture illustrates so well.  Of course, some users (then and now) are also idiots (but I know you are not an idiot - you've solved too many tech issues for me).

Edited May 2, 2020 by bob278