“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[Fouremco]

12 minutes ago, Shimsdan said:

Actually, it's post 279 on page 12 of this thread.

My apologies, you're quite right. I thought that the original and my response were on the photo thread.

[RickT]

[alibaba1]

[NMTraveller]

[NMTraveller]

[Von & John]

8 hours ago, alibaba1 said:

 

I didn’t know there were cruises to Reno...

[Paulpgr]

David Is To Be Returned To  Italy .. 

A  bit of cultural news for a welcome change.

 

After a  two year loan to the United States , 
  
Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy 

[Paulpgr]

Lucia had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.   On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house and was very nervous. Her mother reassured her:- "Don't worry Lucia, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."   So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.   Lucia ran downstairs to her Mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."   "Don't you worry, Lucia," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."   So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.   Again, Lucia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"   "Don't you worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."   So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.   When Lucia saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"      Her Mama said, "stay here and stir the pasta."

 

 

[C-Dragons]

[C-Dragons]

Edited April 17, 2020 by C-Dragons

[C-Dragons]

[goofysmom99]

[alibaba1]

[goofysmom99]

[Paulpgr]

My travel Plans for 2021
 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenlin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
 

[Paulpgr]

Definition of "OLD"        #1               I very quietly  confided to my best friend that I was having an  affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you  having it catered?"    And that, my friend, is the sad  definition of "OLD"!    #2  Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very  elderly widow and asked, "How old  was your husband?" "98," she replied: "Two years older  than me"  "So you're 96," the undertaker  commented.  She responded, "Hardly worth going  home, is it?"    #3 Reporters  interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best  thing About being 104?" the  reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer  pressure."   #4 I've sure gotten old!  I have  outlived my feet and my teeth  I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip  replacement, New knees, fought  prostate cancer and diabetes I'm  half blind, Can't hear anything  quieter than a jet engine, Take 40  different medications that Make me  dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank  God, I still have my driver's  license.    #5 I feel like my body has gotten totally  out of shape, So I got my doctor's  permission to Join a fitness club  and start exercising. I decided to  take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and  down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.    #6 An  elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had  two final requests. First, she  wanted to be cremated, and second, She wanted her ashes scattered over  Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?"  the preacher exclaimed. "Why  Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit  me twice a week"    #7 My  memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it  used to be.   #8 Know how  to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.   #9 It's scary when you start making the  same noises As your coffee  maker.   #10 These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'    #11 THE SENILITY PRAYER  :  Grant me the senility to forget the  people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I  do, and The eyesight to tell the  difference.

[hcat]

On 4/11/2020 at 12:36 AM, Denny01 said:

I wandered into another thread that I should have just stayed out of, but then my sister sent me this and I just loved it! I Loved the movie “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”, mainly because I grew up outside LA and it was just great seeing all the ‘60’s sites in the movie. 

 

 

 

 

Loved that movie too

[hcat]

On 4/16/2020 at 4:31 PM, Fouremco said:

My apologies, you're quite right. I thought that the original and my response were on the photo thread.

Well its a great photo of the Gardens..a wonderful place.. and the before  (old quarry) and after pics were  a clever idea.

[C-Dragons]

[C-Dragons]

[goofysmom99]

[Von & John]

Let's hope this link works:

I will forever remember this scene - as I prep turkeys in the future...

🤣

https://youtu.be/KgKoADEaW9I

 

Edited April 18, 2020 by Von & John

[Paulpgr]

Back on January 9th, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

 

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

 

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" 

 

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss......Followed immediately by another even better one.

 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.

 

You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

 

[C-Dragons]

[Paulpgr]

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

 

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

 

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.

It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

 

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

 

 ‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

 

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

 ‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

 ‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.'

 

(Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'

 ‘Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

 

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

 

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

 I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.